Nothing brings out so much hate than an online article open to comments than those dedicated to the urban cycling debate. All it takes is one or two lines referencing inadequate drivers, or dare I say it, pedestrians, then a deluge of hate explodes Vesuvius like onto your screen starting a raging campaign that’s often ends in cyclical arguments and regularly to the detriment of the author. Still, instead of shying away from these topics, isn’t funnier to embrace them?
So to celebrate that sometimes cyclists are assholes too we did a little list to show off the most annoying of cyclists traits, here they are:
- Cyclists are smug and that’s really annoying. It’s true we are. Because we know cycling is better for urban commuting than going by car, buses, trams and trains. It’s better for air quality, local environment, and about a zillion other reasons. If you need to rely on your car for work than you’re going to find another transport class perched with their bums aloft ahead and lording over you in every possible way very, very annoying.
- Urban cities have changed and that’s really annoying. In recent times everything about our urban environment has gone mental. Rural life now relies on machinery. There are less factories, businesses and commerce and as a result there’s fewer and fewer jobs in villages and small towns so big cities have seen swarms of people migrate to them. Not just here in Ireland but everywhere. More people living in the city, and the social changes in lifestyle that that brings (less people living in houses with driveways) means the bike becomes the transport of choice. No more can we see this than Dublin. Bike use has skyrocketed here in capital, yet we’re still waiting for the slow wheel of change to the infrastructure to accommodate this new way of life. Yes, and you can guess that this makes cyclists super annoyed, in turn, making us super annoying.
- Cars don’t have as much space and that’s really annoying. Most of us road users can agree that bike lanes in Dublin are fairly shite. So competing for space on the road with cars who have little room is gonna cause common hatred between the two. Fair enough. If you’re stuck in a car and can’t get by a cyclist who’s an inch or two too far onto the road – it’s your civic right to ram her into the gutter, roar out your driver window and zoom 25 meters to the next light. You’ve paid tons for your car insurance and tax so you’re not gonna let some hippy commie on a bike ruin it… etc
- Cyclists break lights and other horrible things because they too can be horrible people, and that’s really annoying. Yeah, there are assholes in all genres of life. Most of us road users and pedestrians possess understanding, rely on common courtesy and accept the inevitable delays and complications of modern life with relative calm. Cyclists who act like idiots should be taken over the knee and slapped raw.
- Cyclists have weird clothes, culture and bikes and that’s really annoying. Nobody likes the full lycra bully who uses a sports whistle to scatter jaywalkers ( you know who you are) out on the streets. Lycra warriors, bike messengers, boutique cyclists, mountain bikers, punks on high nellies, cargo bike riding tweed cap wearing parents of twins, kids on fixies, high-vis jacket with pants leg stuffed into sock commuters, have all personalities and styles that are scary and should always be viewed with scorn and utter utter hatred.
There’s loads we could add to this list but we’ll keep it clean for now and let the comments bring out the dirt.